Fawning, the knee-jerk reflexive appeasement of another person or group, is a thing that all genders do but generally, it is thought of as a female issue. To explore why it might be more prevalent for those of us in cyclical bodies I want to invite you to consider the function of our hormones.

Estrogen is, besides its better-known effect on fertility, also our caretaking hormone. It is the hormone that makes us more sensitive to the needs of others. Psycho-socio-biologically it is there to attune us to the needs of non-verbal infants. It makes us more sensitive to pick up the distress signals of others too, not just our infants. Then there is the fascinating estorgen oxytocin relationship. Oxytocin is the bonding hormone, the love hormone. More on this below.

What about testosterone?

I remember reading Paul Weinfield describe his experience with testosterone in This Chemical Life: “I get testosterone implanted in my back every four months. Men normally produce testosterone every day, so the length of my cycle gives me a view of hormones that most men never get. At the beginning of my cycle, when I suddenly have too much testosterone, I see more of a tendency to compete, to want to make a mark on the world, to get irritated. As I like to joke, getting a shot of testosterone is like going from feeling that I can’t do anything right to feeling that no one else can do anything right. At the end of my cycle, when I have little or no testosterone, I see more of a tendency to feel powerless or rejected — a bit like, my female friends tell me, what a woman feels just before her period.” You can read the whole article here.

The ♻ female cycle

If you inhabit a cycling body too, I invite you on a little observation experiment in your upcoming cycles and I’m curious to see if you too observe this throughout your month. After my bleed, my estrogen levels rise so does my attunement to my people. Estrogen, the ultimate bonding hormone, takes the wheel.

As ovulation nears estrogen and testosterone skyrocket, turning me into an energetic, horny kitchen maven. I'm all about intimacy, heart-to-hearts, and dinner parties. I fawn more often! With estrogen at the wheel, we become more yielding, relaxed and caring, which is in general terms attractive to testosterone-driven mates - right at a time when we are most fertile. As if this elegant cascade of events wasn’t enough to ensure procreation, we also release feromones that signal that we are fertile. Mother Nature doesn't mess around.

Luteal Phase: Here, estrogen drops twice, leading to mood swings and a patience deficit. Progesterone, the inward-turning, protective hormone limits my availability to outside forces and shifts me towards balancing outgoingness with introspection.

Menstrual Phase: This is the quiet, inward, anti-social phase. It's the culmination of the introspection set in motion by progesterone's release and often experienced as inconvenient, especially with those pesky cramps. Our hormonal household, usually buzzing with activity, suddenly takes a tranquil turn and expects us to join this introspective interlude - a stark contrast to the culturally expected ongoing productivity and outgoingness that society often applauds.

The estrogen oxytocin axis

I’m intrigued by the estrogen and oxytocin relationship. Oxytocin is the bonding hormone, and I think of it as the warm and fuzzy feels when cuddling your person, whether it is your partner, child, or pet. Large quantities of this hormone release at breastfeeding, bonding us to our young and when done with breastfeeding and our cycle returns, estrogen ensures that we stay high on this endogenous bonding substance. How?

Estrogen increases the amount of oxytocin by activating the cells that make oxytocin and increases the number of those oxytocin receptors. This means that cuddling feels exponentially better when we are high on estrogen. Do you too notice that snuggles fill your cup much more in the middle part of your cycle? I personally go through a bit of a “don’t touch me” mood when my estrogen drops. There is an excellent book cheekily called Moody Bitches that is a treasure trove of explanations and validations of the complicated nature of women.

Lifecycle of estrogen

Now what I find the most mind-blowing about this estrogen-to-oxytocin relationship is the way nature doubled down on human mothers not abandoning their young by ensuring the oxytocin is produced at exponential levels monthly. And yes, men also get an oxytocin release when snuggling, but I assume they don’t get a time-of-month spike.

Next on the fascinating list is this little graph. Notice our estrogen production throughout our lives. The caretaking hormone peaks in our reproductive years.

Duh, Vanda! I know, I know, stating the obvious ~ but! Doesn’t it make sense that we lose our capacity for bullshit as we age? As our estrogen production tapers down we are less psycho-socio-biologically compelled to care take those around us. We apologize less, put our needs first, and finally figure out our version of self-care that works. Sure, it is part of maturing, but hey, hormones are mini gods.

I really like getting the perspective of older women when dealing with a relational issue. My mom once told me: “Oh I used to sweat the small stuff and cared so much more about what others thought.” Self-love and self-acceptance just oozed out of her and I thought: “Gimme some of that!”

with love, Vanda

PS: this article is part of an email series about the workings of our Nervous Systems. Missed the previous ones? Here are the links: Intro, Fight, Flight, Fawn. Freeze is the next one, coming up!

Resources

🐰 Shall we, Alice? 🕳️

🕳️ Paul Weinfield’s article about his experience with hormone replacement after testicular cancer: This Chemical Life 

🕳️ Books:
1. Moody Bitches by Julie Holland
- the subtitle is: The Truth About the Drugs You're Taking, the Sleep You're Missing, the Sex You're Not Having, and What's Really Making You Crazy 👀 ~ read or listen on Spotify.
2. Call Of The Wild (How We Heal Trauma, Awaken Our Own Power, and Use It For Good) by Kimberly Ann Johnson - on Spotify. 
3. Good Chemistry by Julie Holland
- While this book’s subtitle emphasizes its content on psychedelics and mental health, Dr. Holland describes the workings of our hormones and their effect on our mental health. An illuminating read (or listen) on Spotify.

🕳️ My teacher Kimberly Ann Johnson is offering her yearly Activate Your Inner Jaguar course, which trains the female nervous system and helps get out of freeze and fawn. I’m gonna take it. Join me, we start May 8th.

♡

I genuinely want to know 👍 👎