My motherhood story

You’ve heard this before - she fell for the popular narrative that you can have it all: kids, a career, a marriage, friends, and your individuality. Do you also find yourself feeling depleted, disappointed, and betrayed by that narrative?

Now, with a 5-year-old and a 3-year-old, I'm just starting to emerge from the in-between place I found myself in, unprepared for the tectonic shifts that motherhood brings.

What I didn't know before becoming a parent is how much of a catalyst for change would co-parenting and raising little humans be. I used to think I was already pretty cool, you know? A confident business owner managing a staff of over 50 people with ease, mostly. I didn't think parenting would be a challenge. It has made me question the ways in which my own upbringing conditions the way I parent and relate to my partner, calling for resolutions in places I didn’t know needed attention. It is like I discovered a dark big messy basement in my house that needs to be converted into a family room.

After my second kid turned 1.5 (she is a one tough cookie to parent, the exact opposite of the 1st), the new dynamic of four individuals with different needs really turned up the heat. There was no way around facing the harsh truth: I can't have it all. Life as I knew it no longer existed. I was burned out, burning the candle at both ends for too long. I kept disappointing myself and either my family, my staff, my clients, or all of the above. I couldn't do myself justice. Someone was always getting the shorter end of the stick. It was time to let go. I found myself staring down a cliff and I knew that it was time to take the leap.

I sold the yoga studio that I owned and managed for the last decade. As I handed the care of it over, the floodgates opened to all I have kept at bay until further notice; growing into motherhood, depression, identity crisis, looming divorce, and committed sobriety. There I was standing at the end of one road with a lifetime's worth of cans to clean up and I would have walked right by them if it wasn’t for the existential shock that the possibility of the end of my marriage delivered. It added fuel to my inner fire and illuminated all my shortcomings in a way that I could neither ignore nor excuse anymore.

I surrendered, cleaned up my side of the street; grieved, let my heart break, picked myself up, delivered myself to EMDR therapy, opened my ear to coaching, took parenting lessons, found love for myself (a work in progress if you ask how that’s going), changed my husband’s name in my phone from Husbandito to Wasbandito, forgave him and developed a new appreciation for my soon-to-be-ex. Since then, we reconciled and refer to the times before the divorce scare - as our old marriage; and celebrate the day we reconciled as our new anniversary.

(Reflections on the divorce times coming soon in a post)

Shortly after, we moved from LA to our little CO mountain town. I missed our LA community. The romance of being a full-time parent started to fade. I found myself staring into yet another abyss, wondering what was wrong with me. 

With my newly trained ability to ask for help and grab onto a branch when I see one - I joined Kimberly Ann Johnson's online Mother Circle (the author of "The Fourth Trimester"), an educational course on the arc of becoming a mother, as well as a support community.

Reading and hearing other moms' stories brought me instant relief. It all clicked. I saw strands of everything I had been doing - reading, learning, practicing: yoga, breathwork, relational therapy, shadow work woven together to journey home to myself. Drawing on my background as a yoga therapist and somatic educator, I decided to offer others the same relief and unburdening that I had the privilege to experience.

And so, in all that processing and weaving, seeing parallels between the concepts I worked with as a yoga therapist - the yogic five kosha body model, and things I was learning about to address the mess I found - and admittedly but unintentionally - put myself in; emotional freedom technique, neuroscience of depression and anxiety, nervous system restoration, shadow work, grief work, the power of being seen and witnessed = a body of work was born. A heartwarming package of yogic practices, meditation, storytelling, and parenting resources. An evolution of myself. Grateful for this substack as an experiment in publishing my private musings on motherhood, personal power and responsibility, child psychology, psychology of healing, relationships and relating, and how all these topics line up with yoga therapy. 🤓

Mamas - Where are you at? How has motherhood changed you? Do you find it hard? Easy? Do you sigh with relief hearing other moms talk about it not being a walk in a park?