Get proper support babe

This morning, while writing a heartfelt "Note to My Younger Self," something so vital dawned on me and I wish all soon-to-be moms knew this: the vital essence of support and what PROPER support truly means.

Now, I'm not talking about the century-old question of whether to underwire or not to underwire (though that's important too, and every grown woman should have a well-informed preference one way or the other).

What I want to shout from the rooftops is about the timeless adage that "it takes a village to raise a child." The catch is, we have the power to choose that village. It all starts with a few crucial considerations when selecting who will spend time with your child alongside you. Of course, we all want our little ones to be safe, paid attention to, and commanded with love. But what makes the biggest difference is to select someone who can be your thought-partner and a resource for parenting—a person who can meet your needs as a parent. This kind of support can transform you into a more patient and loving parent. So, who is, or will be, that person who a) knows your child inside out and b) you can dial up the morning after you lay awake at 2 AM with those burning parenting questions? Both aspects are equally critical. Whether it's your mom, mother-in-law, nanny, or any caregiver, do they ease your concerns? Do you trust them implicitly?

Whatever your arrangement is with your partner, it is important to get support outside of them. Not because you don’t need their help - it precisely because you do need them to be in partnership with you. You set yourself up for success by getting support for both of you. The best way to set your new parenting relationship up for a rocky start is to harbor resentment. Guess how I know!

Here's the advice I would lovingly give my younger self:

When selecting childcare, consider how this person will support you. Because a supported mama is a happier mama and a happy mama means a happy family.

Immediate Postpartum:

Instead of hiring a nanny or babysitter, imagine having a "mother's helper." The main objective is that you don’t want to be alone with a new baby all day. Get help that will take care of you and the things that need to be done, and keep you company - while you get to hold your baby. Not a nanny that can take your baby while you get to do the chores. This is someone who can assist you while you are pinned down feeding the baby. They can:

• Help with the dishes and laundry (because you're about to have a never-ending supply of both).

• Cook or at least prep dinner (even if it's just chopping).

• Run errands to the grocery store, pharmacy, or dry cleaners (you'll be amazed at how many diapers you'll go through).

• Look after your baby if you need a quick break to run to the store, attend a yoga class, get a massage, pedi, or treat yourself to a facial (or whatever fills your cup. Believe me, "me-time" will become a precious commodity).

Toddler Phase:

Regardless of your work situation get a nanny/sitter:

• with whom you are on or can get on the same page regarding nap times, toilet training, and discipline/behavior management (because you'll need all the alignment you can get to maintain your sanity).

• who is also down to handle light housework while the child naps (like loading the dishwasher or folding laundry, because your home will turn into a perpetual toy battleground). It could be infuriating to come home to a messy house you get to now clean, after paying a caregiver to just hang out while your kid took a 2.5h nap.

Daycare, Preschool, Kindergarten:

If you have the luxury to choose between places where your kid gets to learn the ins and out of social life, with 20-20 hindsight, here are my suggested conversation starters with your prospective care provider:

• First, the obvious nitty-gritty: What is the daily and weekly rhythm? Do they provide food, and if so, where is it from, and who cooks it?

• What is the sickness policy - can a kid come to school with a runny nose (your kids’ nose will be runny for half a year, especially as they are introduced to the germs of the new social group)?

• Then, delve into the more "edgy" stuff: How do they handle conflicts between kids? Physical altercations? What if one child bites another? (you never know - it might be your kid that bites)

Engage in meaningful conversations with your caregiver by asking these essential questions and assessing alignment. Remember, you're essentially conducting a "parenting interview." So, channel your inner investigative journalist, and don't be afraid to ask the tough questions—the ones you might feel embarrassed to ask. Do you wonder how it is handled if kids ask other kids to show their private parts? You won’t know until you ask or until it happens.

A final note to my younger self:

In the wild journey of motherhood, support is your secret weapon. It's the wind beneath your wings when you're feeling exhausted, the guiding star when you're lost in the night, and the hand that steadies you when the path gets rocky. So, as you choose your village, remember that it's not just about finding someone to watch over your child; it's about building a team that stands with you in the joys and trials of parenting. As the CEO of your parenting squad, handpick your partners ahead of time and you'll never be alone in the voyage. In company of others, you will be able to laugh through the tears, learn, and love the chaos and the calm.

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