Dear ones - it is no secret that I have lived with depression and anxiety for most of my adult life. My personal and professional work has been dedicated to learning to live with it and help others do the same. I’m now having a new experience and I wonder if you too experience this:

I woke with a sweet feeling of joy. Self-love that runs deep, feels ancient. A warm and fuzzy feeling of being happy to be alive, a feeling that permeates my body, a sweet relief that surprises me as I inhale.

I can count memories on my two hands of how many times this happened:

• Blurry memory from my childhood: at grandma’s house on a crisp summer morning, waking up to the rooster’s crow, the smell of fresh cut hay, and being ‘in’ my little body.

• A couple times in my 20s; infatuated, high on endorphins, sexed up.

• With a new baby between me and Dave.

• … and then about three times this year.

Grateful to be in this body, on this earth, the softness of my bed, the sensation of my pjs against my skin, and the scant but exposing tears that fill the corners of my eyes at this realization. Feeling truly - in my body, heart, mind and spirit -that I love myself. A sudden revelation that I love my life and all its imperfections, and then I think of the fractured world, and (another surprise) my love drapes over it. It surprises me that thinking of the news, and the conflicts of the world doesn’t rob me of my joy but instead fills me with gratitude. Knowing I can call on this feeling, so it fuels me so I can show up and make a difference where I can. To hold my loved ones close, truly inhabit my fortune, my privilege. To pause and acknowledge it, receive it deeply that it fills my heart and I can give from that place of being filled.

How “normal” is this? Feeling content and joyous.
Letting joy and gratitude fuel your actions as opposed to anxiety as the driving force of your life?

I wonder, how often do you wake up like this?

I credit this change with, finally after a decade and a half working in “yoga”, starting a proper meditation practice. As a part of the therapy program I have a swami mentor (hi, Lisa!). Direct teacher-to-student transmission is such a game changer. I know, I know! Duh, Vanda! This is how yoga has been taught for thousands of years.

I also joined a group where we meet and practice together and share our wins and challenges (hi, RBM folks!). Join a group, stick around if you like the people because the best thing for your nervous system is other people. The worst thing for your nervous system is also other people. Choose your folks and then engage, share your ups and downs.

Here is what I’ve been doing: breathing, intending and observing.

In a self-hypnosis fashion (a scientifical name for intention setting), I sit down on my cushion, focus on my breath, and then resolve to take the bother out of things that keep me in fight, flight or freeze: the waiting for the other shoe to drop, the fear of judgment of others who see my spicy little daughter “misbehave”, the need for validation from strangers, that icky conversion that is in my mind on repeat, hm-ing and ha-ing over whether to rent therapy office space.

The second part of the practice is calling in what I want in life. Sitting and practicing, conjuring the feelings I want to live life with: joyful expression, connected communication, respect for my output - giving myself time to complete tasks - respecting myself.

One of the big revelations and perspective shifts in the past months has been: Setting boundaries for how I treat and talk to myself. Lovingly. Boundaries set out of respect & reverence for myself, not out of fear, punishment, and with an intention to rub my nose in my shortcomings.

Developing a new relationship to the same set of facts. Writing these letters to you is life-giving to me. Thank you for reading them. Thank you for replying. I truly appreciate the time you spend with me and I hope the life-giving nature of this exchange of time is mutual.

I often put pressure on myself to share in writing with you the practices and perspective shifts that are making the difference between me having anxiety and letting anxiety have me. I still haven’t finished the Nervous system series I started last November, and been sitting on a post about the Freeze response. Funnily enough - been frozen with it. I don’t wanna send you all half-baked emails with information overload. Thanks to my breathing, observing and intending practice I have developed a new relationship to the same set of facts: Been sitting on something for way too long. I could easily go into a shame spiral about it.

Or: see that I need more time to be with myself because true insight shows up in safety and a balanced nervous system. Not because I’m a slow writer, lack intellectual abilities, my English sucks and I’m stupid.

If someone said that to me I would enter annihilation mode. ‘How dare you?’ But the truth is that if I didn’t believe or feared those things being true myself, I would not be phased by an outrageous statement like that. I’d be bewildered, I feel sorry for the person delivering the message and I probably laugh.

See how every trigger is a confession?

All this is to say that change is possible. I’ve come to like the corny saying that the night is darkest right before dawn. Keep going. If things are a grind, do something different than before. Join a group. Be unapologetic about the right fit.

You don’t have to find a swami to mentor you, however, it can help. It took the grind out of meditation practice for me and can for you too.

I ain’t no swami but I can help. Reply to this email and let me know where you are at and where you want to go. It doesn’t take much, a change in perspective, a new point of view might be all it takes. Reach out!

Until next time, friend!

Vanda

PS: Poem by Donna Ashworth:

Joy does not arrive with a fanfare,
on a red carpet strewn with the flowers of a perfect life.
Joy sneaks in as you pour a cup of coffee,
watching the sun hit your favorite tree,
just right.
And you usher joy away,
because you are not ready for her.
Your house is not as it should be,
for such a distinguished guest.
But joy, you see,
cares nothing for your messy home,
or your bank balance,
or your waistline.
Joy is supposed to slither through the cracks of our
imperfect life. That’s how joy works.
You cannot truly invite her,
you can only be ready
when she appears.
And hug her with meaning,
because in this very moment
joy chose you.

-Donna Ashworth

Resources

🐰 Shall we, Alice? 🕳️

🕳️ Link to an article about the principle of Ayni, the indigenous Andean principle of giving and receiving. On the importance of equally learning how to receive and give, because whenever we receive, we also give.

🕳️ Link to Swami Swarupananda, an ordained householder Lisa Pearson, a swami in the Kriya Yoga Lineage.

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