Ancestral Healing

I turned 40 last month, and my kids turned five and seven. Did you know that your cells renew at a rate that you practically grow a new skeleton every seven years? That means that there is no cell in my body that hasn’t been a mother... Wild!

My parents and brother came to visit us from across the pond for the celebrations. Before that, we spent a month with them in Eastern Europe over the summer, and spending time together always hands me back my booty.

Reflecting on my family, I began to see how deeply ancestral influences shape our lives, especially through the languages we speak and the values we pass on.

See, my family switches seamlessly between Slovak and Hungarian, two languages as different as Swiss and Swahili. Though my kids seem to understand some in my mother tongues, they only speak English. After the summer in Europe and their October visit, my brain feels like chewing gum—exhausted from switching between three languages and constantly translating.

The trouble is, I’m trying to teach my kids Slovak, not Hungarian, to keep things simple. But my kids aren’t picking up Slovak as fast as I thought they would, which made me start questioning my choice. And avoiding one of my mother tongues hasn’t made things easier at all.

Existing Family Dynamics

Knowing a bit about family systems theory from my parts work training, I began reflecting on how unspoken dynamics might be influencing our family’s struggles with language.

In a family unit, when something doesn’t make sense—like unnecessary stubbornness or a pronounced sticking point—there’s often someone unknowingly influencing the dynamic with an unspoken need, point of view, or unconscious demand. Families share a nervous system! When this demand is acknowledged and spoken, it changes the dynamic and the sticking point dissipates.

With the language stalling, I wondered if there was unresolved tension tied to my choice of Slovak over Hungarian. So, I asked my mom, who identifies as Hungarian, whether she held any resentment about my decision.

A short and simplified history sidebar for context: Slovakia was part of the Austro-Hungarian monarchy during the 17th and 18th centuries. Slovak people were often schooled in Hungarian, the language of the ruling elite. After World War I, when the monarchy dissolved, Czechoslovakia was formed, annexing large Hungarian-speaking communities along its southern border. History repeated itself, with the roles reversed—Hungarians were now expected to attend Slovak schools and conduct official business in Slovak. It’s a perpetual human story: the oppressed becomes the oppressor. Hurt people hurt people.

When asked, my mom shrugged off any resentment about me favoring the oppressor language, but I sensed something lingering in the subconscious.

Connecting with My Ancestors

With this inquiry, I crossed the Rubicon. In shamanic terms, I’d say that my ancestors started visiting me. In plain logical English, I say that I started thinking about my great-grandparents and grandparents—those who’ve passed—A LOT. I’d dream about them, feel their presence in meditation, and notice glimpses of their worldviews reflected in mine. It turns out they have some resentments about me choosing to pass on Slovak.

When I shared these ancestor “visits” with friends and yoga students, I got a lot of “no way, me too!” reactions… It seems our ancestors are keen to connect with us.

Just last night, a yoga student brought a set of beautiful gypsy tarot cards she inherited from her Hungarian great-grandmother to show me. She handled them with such reverence that it was clear these connections still hold power.

Chances are there are some of you all too that have had their family lineage on their mind.

How to Start Your Own Ancestral Healing Journey

Here’s a simple exercise to get you started on some ancestral digging:

1. Draw a Family Tree:
   Take a piece of paper and draw two circles on the lower half, then add two branches of connected circles above them. The first two circles represent your parents: your mother on one side and your father on the other. Continue upward with two more circles for each parent’s mother and father.

2. Reflect on Qualities:
   Starting with your mother, divide her circle with a vertical line. On the right, write the qualities you want to carry forward. On the left, write the things you want to leave behind. Below her circle, jot down a life philosophy or belief she lives/lived by. Repeat this process for your father and grandparents, going back as far as you remember.

3. Identify Patterns:
   What compensatory or repeating patterns do you notice?
   For example, as a child of parents who grew up with sex being taboo, my brother and I were raised with way too much information about sex, far too early.
   Depression-era frugal upbringing focused on saving and lack can either be passed on or the other thing that often happens, landing on the other side of the horse - the next generation negates these values by adopting the opposite: hedonism.

   What compensatory or repeating patterns do you notice in your lineage?

4. Apply It to Yourself:
   On a new piece of paper, draw a circle for yourself. Divide it, and write the qualities you want to carry forward on the right and those you want to leave behind on the left.

   Ask yourself, where are you compensating? What in your life is a rebellion or a reactionary choice to defy or conform to the values in your lineage?

Here is mine as an example:

Consider taking this exercise with you as you visit family for Thanksgiving.
It might be spiritually more productive for everyone than discussing the election!
Ask your parents or other relatives the same questions about their parents and grandparents. You might discover surprising insights that help you understand your and their inherited beliefs and patterns.

Have fun with this a prepare to have your mind blown!

Sending love,

Vanda

PS: 

On a practical note, LOCALS! I’m looking to share office space with a therapist in a related field. If you are a therapist, acupuncturist, or rolfer with space available one day a week, or know one who might like to share their office with a yoga therapist (that’s me!) please reach out.
Wish List: Enough floor space for stretching or foam rolling. Storage for therapy props like yoga blocks, balls, and mats. Room for a massage table (a bonus if one is included). Cherry on top: Wall space for a Swedish ladder

If this resonates, please pass the word along!

PS 2: 

Looking at the wild west of all my draft letters to you on the back end here, I am wondering: What would 🫵 YOU like to read about next?

Nothing??? There is a button for that! 👀